force = too much, effort = too little, equality = enough

What if the rumors are true, what if love is never a guarantee? What if love is like wrestling: even the strongest opponent is not guaranteed a win. Get the picture: a large fifth-grade bully goes to push (with all his might) a nimble third grader, who spins to the side, dodging the forceful blow. What happens to the inertia of the fifth grader’s push? He falls over, essentially bringing himself to his knees. If he pushes too hard, a weak opponent can counterbalance really easily. Love is not a wrestling match, but one thing stands true: Force equals too much.

Think about love for a second. It is a two way street, is it not? Two must walk it together. No matter how hard one may push (force) or how much he can try to prove himself without force (effort), it is never a guarantee that the other will reciprocate. Love is a gamble at times, yes, but learn well the lesson. Force equals too much. Effort equals too little. (I think about all of the roses I have bought, thinking there was something there was not.)

Equality is enough. But even then, the road is precarious, and there must at times be both effort and force.

a word on agreements

I listened to my pastor speak on Sunday when he said something interesting, which I can’t get out of my mind. Speaking of marriage he said, “If I willingly submit myself to the terms of her covenant, I will become her treasure. If she willingly submits herself to my terms, in the same vein, she will become my treasure.” It’s not an exact quote, but it’s close enough.
As soon as he had said it, questions flooded my mind. Who creates this agreement? Is it spoken, and when is it made? How high should my standards be? What should my covenant look like? Blah, blah, stinkin blah.
Of course, I was getting caught up on the details when I realized something about the Israelite community and God. Their agreement (covenant) was unique and it was based on their relationship, which preceded the rules themselves. This was, coincidentally Erik’s next point. Relationship lays the foundation for rules.
How was God’s covenant with Israel set up? Like this: “I am a jealous God; it will be me and no other. This is our marriage, and I will not share my bride!” This covenant is absolutely binding and it is one made for life. But it’s not the covenant that is important! It is a great way to show someone that you are “all in,” and seal the deal, but the relationship is what matters, not the words on the page. I think the secret is submission, and there is nothing in an agreement that can force someone into action against his or her will (Trust me, I just brought my nephew to the doctor today. If someone doesn’t want to do something, you cannot force submission). Just hear their terms, search for them and submit yourself to them. See what happens!

keeping strong

"Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, for because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me."

--2 Corinthians 12:6-8

For Paul it may have been a vision problem, which Galatians would seem to suggest; as my friend Kyle pointed out, for me it may be this very girl whose image will not leave my mind, and whose voice will not stop ringing in my ears. It may be a temptation that will not allow me a moment's rest.

Something I realized: even though last night I decided that I would seek alone time until finals were over, the second I saw her, everything changed. My gut dropped and I forgot why I even decided that. There is no way, no how, that this makes sense that she has become so close to me that I cannot now rid my mind of her. Be that as it may, I have decided to remain strong and stick out my "break" until finals are over, or until Thursday morning.

post-dtr "pest" pestilence

Recently I did an exercise. Realizing how emotionally attached I have allowed myself to become to my good friend, I decided to take an objective step back. I figured I would try to understand her as best as possible (and reject my emotional bias), and put myself in her shoes.

So here's what I did: I replayed events, and tried to remake her decisions, not changing any of her words, not changing anything. In reverse, she said she liked me, I said we should talk about it later;then I said I like her too, but I'm not sure about a relationship. After I say I just want to be friends, and she says she understands, but it bothers her a lot. She brings it up to me several times, that is, the prospect that we date.

She would be a nuisance were I to reverse our roles. In my mind the relationship was already put on halt; and every time she brought it up again, it would sound like nails on a chalkboard. I know, because I have been in this situation before! I have thought about the prospect of a relationship before, expressed interest (not as a confession, but as a potentiality), and changed my mind as it were.

So in my mind I must have patience, endurance, etc. I must look past my prejudices in order to remain friends, because that is not a status that is easy to regain (once I've reached "nuisance"). And I have to deal radically with my feelings. It's been written off. I may never have a second chance again. If I keep my heart wound open, I will spend perhaps years in pain, and all for naught.

Tact

What I've learned: don't tell a girl that you like her in a way that makes her feel obligatated to verbally reciprocate--here's the catch--before you have a developed open relationship. Seriously, ask her on a date. Take all unneeded pressure off the relationship. It is not necessary at first! And don't allow yourself to get emotionally involved. Ask her on a date, and reject the enamored, strong first feelings of liking.

I did; I did all these things I am now telling you not to do because in these ways I became emotionally involved. I unintentionally demanded reciprocation (just by telling her how I felt in an open dialogue) and now it feels like I lost her (just how it feels). I scared her away! Like a rabbit appoaching a field of carrots only to see a hawk, staking the territory. "Flee!!!" she must have thought, "Retreat to the hills!!!"

I feel very silly--so, though the blog entry is less related to purity that the other posts, my advice: use tact. Tact may also help guard your own heart not to plunge head first into intimate expression of "feelings." <--hate that word.