hard realization

I did it. I have been praying and I have talked to many people about this, young and old. I have come to the conclusion that we should just be friends. What kind of friends? Not best friends, perhaps just friends.

I was so at peace with this up until today, when we had a talk. She brought the subject up and she suggested this very thing: that we just be friends. I was fine with it until I realized that she it was her idea, too. Now I suppose I am just disappointed that it was true, that we should just be friends.

What is even more disappointing is the realization that I came to. Is it possible for us to just be friends? For us to keep opening up ourselves to one another in (somewhat mutually exclusive) friendship, until figuratively we stand naked bearing our souls in plain view. Then what? We have nothing, no covenant to keep us together, except perhaps the volition of my will. I will not, and cannot force her to give anything of herself. The only thing I can at this point know is that I am willing to fight for us, whatever that may be.

Oh wait. The next strand of realization comes flooding in. People fall in love. It happens all the time. What says she may fall in love with someone else. Then what? I am left, exposed and alone, angry, dejected, in wont and fool-heartedly expectant. And what say that may happen to me... It might! And there she would be left, and I no better than my own father--She would be left without hope, broken.

"Do not arouse love until it so desires." What the heck does that mean anyway?